I am bipolar.
Wow! It feels great to let that out.
Living with a mental illness is hell itself.
Your mind is just messed up.
From headaches, crying profusely without reason, suicidal ideations, extreme depression to the feeling of highness, too happy, excessive talking and insomnia which makes it looks as if one is high on drugs.
If not for my husband, I don’t think I will ever have been able to pull through.
I think without his unwavering love and care this illness would have killed me.
I have had this illness since I was very young but never knew the extent until I saw my psychiatrist and started treatment.
Treatment itself is another hell.
At first, the meds messes up with your insides and you can’t seem to describe how you’re feeling.
Then, the excessive weight gain.
Oh my gosh.
That’s the worst part for me.
I workout a lot and I watch my food intake yet, I can always feel the pounds/kilos creeping up on me no matter how hard I try.
And then people will see you and start talking shit about how much weight you have gained not knowing anything about you or what you re going through.
Few days ago my depression raised it’s ugly head again.
This time, it started with a feeling of heaviness.
My mood took a major nosedive.
It was as if I was sinking yet floating.
My head aches and I was completely overwhelmed and uninterested in all the things I care deeply about.
Because depression is a mental illness, it is difficult to be open about it.
In most cases, the sufferers are afraid of the labels that is attached to any form of mental illness.
Depression affliction is not something I chose for myself, it chose me.
I am writing this therapeutic piece today because I want to tell my story.
I hope it helps another sufferer to stand tall and fight.
I want you to know that we are fully formed human beings grappling the unexpected but with remarkable depth.
Depression is something I have recognized since I was a child although I didn’t have a name for it.
Depression is something I have not fully accepted, how can I?
It is something I will have to find creative ways to manage for the rest of my life.
Many creative people have depression.
I guess it comes with the territory of being creative.
Today, I celebrate the mystery of us.
I luxuriate in the reassuring warmth of our special gifts and talents.
We are women outside traditional norms of womanhood.
As women, we are our greatest champions in a world that repeatedly knock us down.
Thankfully, for a while now I have been stable enough and I am so grateful for that.
But deep down within me, I am secretly anxious that a serious bout of depression will soon overcome me.
This is a constant fear that I live with.
Hopefully, subsequently I will continue to educate us all about this illness that messes up the mind.
Hopefully I will be able to seek comfort from you my sisters when I am feeling so low as to take my own life.
Hopefully one day, I will overcome my own mind.